Diddly Squat:
Welcome to Clarkson's farm.
It's always had a nice ring to it. Jeremy just never thought that one day his actual job would be 'a farmer'.
And, sadly, it doesn't mean he's any good at it.
From buying the wrong tractor (Lamborghini, since you ask . . .) to formation combine harvesting, getting tied-up in knots of red tape to chasing viciously athletic cows, our hero soon learns that enthusiasm alone might not be enough.
Jeremy may never succeed in becoming master of his land, but, as he's discovering, the fun lies in the trying . . .
Diddly Squat: ‘Til The Cows Come Home:
Enthusiastic trainee farmer Jeremy Clarkson made just £144 in his first year at Diddly Squat Farm. This year he's determined to do better. Not because he now knows what he's doing. But because he's fed up of getting stick from Kaleb.
Yet farming continues to be a challenge.
For instance . . .
· Loading a grain trailer was more demanding than flying an Apache gunship?
· Cows were more dangerous than motor-racing?
· It's easier to get planning permission to build a nuclear plant than to turn a barn into a restaurant?
Jeremy's always got a plan. Loads of them. Often cunning.
Not always greeted with wild enthusiasm by Kaleb and Cheerful Charlie, however . . .
Diddly Squat: Pigs Might Fly:
Welcome back to Clarkson's Farm. Since taking the wheel three years ago Jeremy's had his work cut out. And it's now clear from hard-won experience that, when it comes to farming, there's only one golden rule:
Whatever you hope will happen, won't.
Enthusiastic schemes to diversify have met with stubborn opposition from the red trouser brigade, defeat at the hands of Council Planning department, and predictable derision from Kaleb - although, to be fair, even Lisa had doubts about Jeremy's brilliant plan to build a business empire founded on rewilding and nettle soup. And only Cheerful Charlie is still smiling about the stifling amount of red tape that's incoming . . . But he charges by the hour.
Then there are the animals: the sheep are gone; the cows have been joined by a rented bull called Break-Heart Maestro;. the pigs are making piglets; and the goats have turned out to be psychopaths.
But despite the naysayers and (sometimes self-inflicted) setbacks, Jeremy remains irrepressibly optimistic about life at Diddly Squat. Because It's hard not to be when you get to harvest blackberries with a vacuum cleaner.
And, after all, it shouldn't just be Break-heart Maestro who gets to enjoy a happy ending . . .